4.27.2010

CAPS: Cathy's Curse (1977)

I know that I've been a bad blogger lately. I'm basically averaging one post a week...yikes! I'm still adjusting to this whole working 8-5 thing, plus I'm still doing freelance editing in between. Anyway, I've owed you a CAPS review for so long and I'm very happy to show you the selected film. You see, I've heard about this movie for a while now. Its so-bad-it's-awkward qualities are legendary. In fact, for some of these screen captures, I could not come up with better captions than the actual dialogue of the film. So I kept lines from the movie for some. And because you probably won't be able to tell the difference (that's how ridiculous this movie is), I'll put an asterisk next to those which are actual quotations from the film. I implore you to seek this movie and experience it. My review pales in comparison to its notorious identity. So without further ado, I give you:

AKA: "Cauchemares" if you want to class things up.
Some backstory that didn't quite fit into the 4:3 aspect ratio.
Daddy Gimble rushes home.
"Oh by the way, Mommy left us."
*"You're mother's a bitch!"*
"Are we there yet?"
"No, your mother drives like a bitch."
"Oh no! A bunny!"
Crash...
and burn!
Worst use of a pronoun ever. Who's "He"? 
Oh yeah, it's George, the one who the mother took, who we've never seen.
And here's Cathy, the inexplicably angry sleeper.
*"Where did Cathy go?"*
"Oh there you are. No wandering around your own house."
The Director's objective for Cathy: Touch everything.
Touch the chair.
Touch the lamp.
Touch the top of the lamp.
"Isn't life great?"
*"You and I both know that I had a nervous breakdown."*
The family is happily eating dinner until...
"Someone's watching me. I can see it through the sheers 
with the eyes in the back of my head."
"Now, now, you're just crazy. I don't see any 
eyes back here. Just hair."
Cathy explores the attic, where again 
she is directed to touch everything.
Touch the giant frog.
Touch the statue.
Touch the cobwebs.
Touch the mannequin head.
Touch the badminton racquet.
Touch this creepy accursed doll.
"Wha, wha, what's that?"
DUN!
DUN!!
DUN!!!
Best foreshadowing ever:
*"I better oil this. Someone could get locked in here."*
The women welcome Cathy's mother to the neighborhood.
"Oh by the way, I just so happen to be a medium."
Just outside, Cathy teaches the kids a new game:
*"Let's play accident!"*
*"Repeat after me, all women are bitches."*
*"All women are bitches."*
The Medium mediates...
while Cathy puts a needle to the little girl's eyes
"Oh, it's so terrible. Look at me, look at me!"
"Wait..where did everyone go? 
Now who's gonna' pay attention to me?"
Poor child stricken by Cathy's needle.
"Was it good for you?"
Later, the husband and his misses play a little Catch-Me-Rape-Me
"Oh George, where's your ski mask darling?"
Cathy interrupts, begging for her doll.
"Here's your damn doll you cockblock."
Cathy wakes up bright and early,
intent on shooting random objects with her mind bullets.
"Well good morning dear, I made you breakfast."
And Cathy gently hurls her bowl into the floor.
"It's okay, I'll get it, I'm sure you just dropped 
it ten feet from where you're sitting."
Two ceramic pieces later:
*"There. It's all done."*
She discovers the filthy accursed doll.
"Back off hag."
Cathy demonstrates the doll's power. 
"I knew it was made in China."
Death to the haters of rag dolls.
And may they die in unnatural poses.
"What a bizarre accident." 
"You and I both know I'm having another nervous breakdown."
And the stripe of eye light lets us know 
she's cursed, in case we didn't get it yet.
"Um yes Mr. Shrink, could you please fix my wife?
She's two quarts low."
"Oh hello sweet little Cathy."
"Wait...where did you go?"
"Oh there you are!"
*"You can't hide from me."*
Mother seems to be unaware of Cathy's teleporting abilities,
insisting that Cathy can simply run/hide in between blinks of the eye.
"Ya bitch, it's called tell-uh-poor-ting."
Mother ends up in the hospital.
"Oh Cathy, I must let the drunk old man take care of you now."
Old Man: "Let's play a game."
Cathy: "No."
Well, that's where my plan ended. Time for a drink.
Winos make good babysitters, right Cathy?
The Medium returns:
*"Leave, you old bitch fat whore."*
Let her rephrase:
*"Old fat dried up whore."*
"Wow, that was...really mean."
Another victory for alcoholism.
And for children in situations with alcohol.
Practicing for her career post child-actor.
"Cathy, what have you done?"
"Nuthing...I'm just chillin'."
"But I haaate snakes!"
"And rats!"
"Oh and tarantulas too!"
Kiss my asp.
Apparently, the snakes and Mr. Tarantula had conflicting contracts
and could not appear on screen together
Cathy's evil eye light returns, inflicting havoc on the family dog.
"I just don't see how eye light could have done this! 
Sure maybe flat lighting or lens flares..."
The brave medium returns once again.
"Okay, I'm ready for your insults now."
*"Medium? I'd say extra rare piece of shit!"*
The Accursed Picture attacks!
*"Haha, go on you filthy female cow, make us laugh."*
Later, crazy mother returns.
"Faint bitch!"
"What ever could have happened?"
Cathy's power is growing.
"Cathy, you poor thing. I'm sorry 
your mother is clearly the problem here."
"Mr. Shrink, you did not fix my wife like I asked!
I want a refund and a free supply of Valium."
Sometime later..."Go into the water Cathy."
Which her stunt double does.
"Help, I'm drowning and I can't get out!"
Good thing Daddy valiantly saves her from knee-deep water.
"There's something wrong with Cathy."
Best faux excuse for not caring:
*"I've been working 18 hours at the construction site!"*
"He doesn't love me. No one really works 18 hours a day..."
"Why does everyone think I'm crazy?"
"Oh shoot, does someone have a tampon?"
Just when you thought you had this movie figured out...leeches!
Make sure you keep a hand conveniently over your breast,
as you desperately try to get the leeches off your back.
"Look Wino, you're the only one I trust 
to watch my wife and daughter."
Cathy delicately enjoys her apple.
"Go! Save Cathy! Burn the doll!"
"Oh...okay!"
Busting open the door worked a little too well.
Film another take? 
Nope, just close the door and bust it open again in the same shot.
"Don't hurt me Cathy!"
MAGIC!
"But David Copperfield's a jerk!"
No, you're not dizzy. It's out of focus...for artistic effect I'm sure.
"Hmm...no one is answering the phone.
They MUST be in grave danger!"
Cathy fell in the dog doodoo in the front yard.
"Sorry, the damn wino's supposed to pick up the poo."
They fight for the doll,
but little does she know...Cathy is an MMA fighter.
Daddy rushes home to put his Affliction shirt on.
"Ugh..what happened to your face?"
Mommy plucks out an eye.
"NOOOOO!"
All better. 
Bye bye, curse-giver.
"Oh thank god you're beautiful again. Now we don't 
have to withdraw from the Ms. Jailbait pageant."
"That's right. Daddy's little cookie is gonna bring me some dough."
THE END!

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2 comments:

  1. Yes!!! I love me some Cathy's Curse.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miss Becky,

    I thought I'd just say that I absolutely love these features, along with the rest of your blog. I find your sense of humor much in tune with my own. I've actually made similar posts on my own blog. I'd love to hear what you thought of them. Keep up the fantastic work!

    ReplyDelete

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