9.20.2009

CAPS: Jennifer’s Body (2009)





Jennifer’s Body is an uneven, pop film that desperately tries to hold its ground in the horror genre, but it ends up more like Mean Girls with some teeth. It is a horror film—demons and intestinal gore do solidify its place in the genre, but it’s an angsty teenage girl story above all else.  

It’s been a while since I’ve had a good contender for a CAPS review. What are my qualifications? Movies that I just don’t feel like talking about. Sometimes they are too bad for words. Sometimes they are good but don’t warrant much discussion. Jennifer’s Body might as well be a visual pun for all the pop culture-infused dialogue and the annoying eyeliner-laden soundtrack. Although I couldn’t get my own screen captures, Google Image search provided me with some ammo, so enjoy…


Anita, who goes by "Needy" is our pretty-ugly girl type from She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You.


The trailer claims there is one of these in every high school. I don't know about you, but no one that looked like Jennifer went to my school.


They're best friends. Well, more like Needy is duped into being friends with a super hottie because she's just as shallow as Jennifer, but because she wears glasses, we feel sorry for her.


She's not a demon yet, but who knew?


"Jennifer, can we play boyfriend and girlfriend again?"
I think I know who's wearing the pants.


The lead singer to the band that's gonna' sacrifice a virgin.


And you'd pick her out of a crowd to be the virgin?
Nevermind the four-eyed Needy, but assume the girl that's trying to get you wasted is the undisturbed flower.


After the bar explodes: "Yes, I will get into your rape van...I'm obviously a virgin"


"I'd heard rumors that she had rocks for brains, but I just thought that was a figure of speech."


A couple hours later, Jennifer returns unscathed from the rape van...


Or not.


"Can we play boyfriend and wannabe-sexy demon chick now?"


Or I'll play with the audience expectations a bit here.


You should have known better. Instead of nudity, I'm giving you...

 
CG!


Back to school as if nothing ever happened.


Jennifer: "I'm breaking out, my hair is dull and lifeless...I need to kill more boys"
Needy: "Please don't, it actually makes sense for us to hang out now"


And this is the part when...wait...wrong movie.


Hey now! I can play all different types of airheads...the kind with glasses and the kind that wear makeup!


Time to seduce and kill the punk/emo/goth kid. This film does not distinguish between those groups whatsoever. I though this was supposed to be a trendy script.


"I think I'm one of the only good actors in this movie..."


"I think I'm going to eat you"


While Jennifer is busy eating boys, Needy finally spends some time with her boyfriend.


"I know I'm not as hot as Jennifer, but at least I'm not going to throw you under the bus...wait wrong movie. At least I'm not going to turn into a demon and eat all the boys you like?"


"Boy blood makes my breasts bigger."


"But I'm still not going to show them to you. You get more CG."


Because I'm sure everyone was just dying to see Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox hold a PG-13 makeout session...Okay, so maybe some of you were.


"I feel violated and strangely aroused"


"Look, I spent $14 on a corsage and so we're going to the dance even if Carrie shows up."


"Don't mention that movie! You're just going to disappoint people when the underwhelming climax occurs"


"I don't think I'm disappointed by this climax"



You got this far, so you earned some practical makeup effects.



And you also get Megan's "O face"...
But not really, it's more like the porn star face she makes in every posed picture.


"So...the movie's basically over and we haven't seen Jennifer's body?"

THE END!

8 comments:

  1. Hey now! You can smash Megan Fox all you like, but you leave Amanda Seyfried alone ya big meany!

    This movie looks...watchable, and I love Mean Girls.

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  2. haha nice. i love your caps. i enjoyed the movie though. and i think chip was as hot as jennifer. lol

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  3. I'm sorry you had to sit through this. I refuse. LOL

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  4. HAHA! As usual, another terrific review and delivered with all the wit I expected. You've spared me another ill-spent evening.

    In a day and age when Hollywood rarely risks original works, it's a slap in the face for them try to market an uninspired vehicle for Megan Fox's looks as one of the uncommon few. I think Diablo Cody has a talent for writing clever dialog, but I don't believe she has the genuine love of the horror genre that's necessary to back it up in this instance. I believe your Mean Girls comparison says it all.

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  5. I know this movie is probely going to suck, like every new horror movie, I allow myself to get even the slightest bit excited about, but I'm a big fan of Diablo Cody's work and there's still a chance that Adam Brody might die in it, which would be worth the ticket price alone.

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  6. I thought it was pretty funny.... Its something my little sister would love. also the sacrifice scene is unbeatable in it. JENNY IVE GOT YOUR NUMBER

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  7. Wow, I was almost bored enough to pay to see this, but now I feel like I got the best parts without all the pain! But no hamburger-phone scene this time?

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  8. ACK!! Terrible CG and teen angst strike again!!1

    I hope I wasnt the only one that had absolutely no interest in the film before it started receiving terrible reviews

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