It's been a long time since I've done a CAPS review and I promised I would do one sometime in October. I was worried because I hadn't seen any good contenders for a while. After watching Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, I knew I had a winner. When did I realize this? Well, I didn't get too far into the movie when I noticed that all the film's dialogue must have been dubbed in post and my lukewarm feelings towards the film were cemented by an unnecessarily convoluted plot and cheesy one-liners from Pinhead. I figured it would be perfect for CAPS. So here is a very long edition of my pictorial snarkiness.
What a stunning city! You'd never know it wasn't real.
Enrique Iglesias has a starring role.
Enrique buys a piece from this homeless drug dealer...I mean art dealer.
And we are introduced to our ambitious reporter Final Girl
And her trusty cameraman
As well as the darkest hospital ever seen in a developed country
Anyway, this happens
And she's totally freaked out
But she still needs to get the story and this Club Rat is the key
"I don't talk to reporters. They are sooo mainstream."
"I'm not crazy! I know what I saw last night at the hospital."
"We believe you. Now, can you bend over?"
Investigating at the hip nightclub. A Freddy reference?
She's unaware that hip doesn't mean 1940's wardrobe.
Maybe she took her wardrobe cue from this style of dancing.
So there's also a fancy restaurant somewhere in the club. Ok...
And that's where she finds Enrique who blows her off
Back at home, she dreams about her daddy's death in Vietnam
I mean...daddy's death in North Carolina...definitely not Southeast Asia.
Club Rat decides to meet up with the Final Girl.
"I really don't appreciate you coming into my home dressed like Satan's spawn."
"Well I don't appreciate you putting up a fake backdrop and pretending it's New York."
Anyway, Enrique spills blood on his art piece and this happens
He thinks it's pretty cool. Maybe he'll write a song about it.
Meanwhile, Club Rat just can't get over the facade that our Final Girl is putting on
Investigation #2 in the art gallery. Again, our Final Girl is trying her best to blend in with her wardrobe choices.
They find this!!!!!!!
And we're back to Enrique scoping out ladies at The Boiler Room
"How did you write a song about me already when you've just met me?"
Awkward sex scene....
Will he die of cancer or an STD first?
Pinhead likes to watch.
And just when you thought it couldn't get more awkward
Enrique wants her out cause he's BOSS
And she ain't gonna have it
Pinhead's pissed because his peep show is over
The inspiration for Martyrs
"Does this mean I'm not god's gift to women anymore?"
Club Rat gets a phone call from Enrique.
Luring Club Rat over to Pinhead with such subtlety
"Why do you want to have sex by the big statue thing?"
Enrique gets killed eventually
Enrique's soul lights up Pinhead's life
And he is now complete
Our Final Girl meets Captain Elliot Spencer (Pinhead in human form) in the dream world
"Walk with me darling. This is going to get quite convoluted."
"I'm going to admit, I'm a little confused what's happening right now."
Pinhead busts into tha club
"If I close my eyes, it will go away."
Down with the DJ
And Pinhead's lips are feeling a bit chapped
The reporter comes to check out the bloodbath at The Boiler Room
Get it? It's the cameraman!
Pinhead attacks, unleashing hell on earth
Explosions in earth!
Club Rat cenobite
Join forces to destroy empty city streets
Alas, the box thwarts their plans to have the Final Girl run from explosion for another 2 hours
Scottie beams them straight to hell.
But not before Pinhead invades the dream world and pretends to be daddy
"What do you mean this isn't scary?"
*Cackle* "Wind angle lenses are too scary" *Cackle*
The human Pinhead comes to save the day.
When two become one
We are Siamese (twins) if you please...is that offensive?
"Yes actually. I find that horribly offensive."