10.27.2009

CAPS: Hellraiser III (1992)




It's been a long time since I've done a CAPS review and I promised I would do one sometime in October. I was worried because I hadn't seen any good contenders for a while. After watching Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, I knew I had a winner. When did I realize this? Well, I didn't get too far into the movie when I noticed that all the film's dialogue must have been dubbed in post and my lukewarm feelings towards the film were cemented by an unnecessarily convoluted plot and cheesy one-liners from Pinhead. I figured it would be perfect for CAPS. So here is a very long edition of my pictorial snarkiness.


What a stunning city! You'd never know it wasn't real.

Enrique Iglesias has a starring role.

Enrique buys a piece from this homeless drug dealer...I mean art dealer.

And we are introduced to our ambitious reporter Final Girl

And her trusty cameraman

As well as the darkest hospital ever seen in a developed country

Anyway, this happens



And she's totally freaked out

But she still needs to get the story and this Club Rat is the key

"I don't talk to reporters. They are sooo mainstream."


"I'm not crazy! I know what I saw last night at the hospital."
"We believe you. Now, can you bend over?"

Investigating at the hip nightclub. A Freddy reference?

She's unaware that hip doesn't mean 1940's wardrobe.

Maybe she took her wardrobe cue from this style of dancing.


So there's also a fancy restaurant somewhere in the club. Ok...

And that's where she finds Enrique who blows her off

Back at home, she dreams about her daddy's death in Vietnam

I mean...daddy's death in North Carolina...definitely not Southeast Asia.

Club Rat decides to meet up with the Final Girl.

"I really don't appreciate you coming into my home dressed like Satan's spawn."

"Well I don't appreciate you putting up a fake backdrop and pretending it's New York."

Anyway, Enrique spills blood on his art piece and this happens

He thinks it's pretty cool. Maybe he'll write a song about it.

Meanwhile, Club Rat just can't get over the facade that our Final Girl is putting on

Investigation #2 in the art gallery. Again, our Final Girl is trying her best to blend in with her wardrobe choices.

They find this!!!!!!!

And we're back to Enrique scoping out ladies at The Boiler Room


"How did you write a song about me already when you've just met me?"

Awkward sex scene....

Will he die of cancer or an STD first?

Pinhead likes to watch.

And just when you thought it couldn't get more awkward

Enrique wants her out cause he's BOSS

And she ain't gonna have it

Pinhead's pissed because his peep show is over

Uh oh

"Oh shit."

The inspiration for Martyrs

"Does this mean I'm not god's gift to women anymore?"


Club Rat gets a phone call from Enrique.

Luring Club Rat over to Pinhead with such subtlety

"Why do you want to have sex by the big statue thing?"



Enrique gets killed eventually

Enrique's soul lights up Pinhead's life

And he is now complete

Our Final Girl meets Captain Elliot Spencer (Pinhead in human form) in the dream world

"Walk with me darling. This is going to get quite convoluted."

"I'm going to admit, I'm a little confused what's happening right now."

"Screw it. Let's just watch some people die."

Pinhead busts into tha club

"If I close my eyes, it will go away."

"Still there."

Bartender dies

Down with the DJ

And Pinhead's lips are feeling a bit chapped

The reporter comes to check out the bloodbath at The Boiler Room

LOLZ cuz of teh BAWLZ

Get it? It's the cameraman!

Pinhead attacks, unleashing hell on earth

Explosions in earth!

Cameraman cenobite

Bartender cenobite

DJ cenobite

Enrique cenobite

Club Rat cenobite

Join forces to destroy empty city streets

Alas, the box thwarts their plans to have the Final Girl run from explosion for another 2 hours

"LOUD NOISES!"

Scottie beams them straight to hell.

But not before Pinhead invades the dream world and pretends to be daddy

*Cackle, cackle*

"What do you mean this isn't scary?"

*Cackle* "Wind angle lenses are too scary" *Cackle*

The human Pinhead comes to save the day.

When two become one

We are Siamese (twins) if you please...is that offensive?

"Yes actually. I find that horribly offensive."

My bad.

THE END!


8 comments:

  1. LOL, this was great! I request more of these!! 10/10

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  2. Heh. Great cap at the end there. I've always had a soft spot for the CD Cenobite, though.

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  3. LJ- Thanks. I've done more of them for other films. Click on the CAPS tag under Labels to see others.

    J. Astro-The CD Cenobite is amazing...amazing in that cheesy early 90's sort of way. I still had lots of fun with this movie, but man did they take Hellraiser in a silly direction.

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  4. Great stuff - and surely one of the funniest things i've seen since I started blogging last year - particularly loved your CAPS of House on Sorority Row. Look forward to more. ;)

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  5. ::Picture of Pinhead encased in the statue::

    "We will tear your soul a-part!! --If I could jutht get out of thith thilly thtatue!!"

    ..in an effeminate voice.

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  6. Haha, you didn't need to add the last part. We all know what the lisp means!!! :D

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  7. Oh man I really like that movie. And your CAPS review is great. :)

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