CAPS: House on Sorority Row (1983)

Finally, another long-awaited CAPS (Screens Captures and Captions) review. In celebration of the upcoming Sorority Row, let's take a moment to relive a classic slasher.

Don't be afraid. The whole movie doesn't look like this. We're just letting you know it's "the past" when this lady loses her baby during childbirth, which is somehow going to be important later on.

Ahhh, back to the familiar grit and grain of 80's slasher goodness.

Meet the victims, I mean cast.

There's this girl, who manages to look like a bitch in every frame of the film.

And our Final Girl, who has this ugly-pretty-girl thing going for her.

And this montage is just for clarification that we are in a Sorority.

I'm sorry Mr. Band, but you just don't deserve a more appealing shot for your credit.

The first (of many) examples of glorious 80's fashion. Purple shorts, baby blue polo...oh yeah.

The pool that their Sorority Mom has neglected to take care of. There's probably a Volvo under there.

She's trying to be nice, but nope, BITCH.

Just to show you the contrast.

The heinous Sorority Mom on her doctor visit just so we know that she's insane.

Is that George Romero? No, but I wish.

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Fashion Example #2: Do I need to say anything?

Ok. This is weird.

Bitch with a gun.

Celebrating their graduation in style.

Hey, it's Baby Spice.

"You MAY NOT party in my house! I don't care that you're 21; it makes no difference that you are all 30-year-olds playing 20 somethings."

We're in college now, sex in the car is so high school.

Showing off her water bed that Daddy got her.

Mrs. Slater hears fornicating on the water bed.

Is that face supposed to be sexy? Cause all I'm getting is...BITCH

Oh yes, it feels like we're making it on a raft!

Someone doesn't like rafts.

Or water beds.

This is really the turning point in the film I'd say.

Plotting to seek revenge.

Meanwhile, we learn how demented the old hag is.

Ooooo. A gun. We can definitely pull a safe prank with that. Nothing could go wrong.

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Who the hell decided it would be a good idea to hang that painting? Probably the same person that dressed these girls.

Mrs. Slater is pissed that they took down her beloved portrait.

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She's nervous. That's called, "acting."

She's bitchy. That's called "a one note show"

This is called "trying too hard"

Things start to go wrong.

Pause. What is that blonde on the left wearing? Really?

HAHA! It's just a joke! It's just ketchup, I swear!

"We are just so damn clever and bitchy."

"You guys f-ing suck."

Let's cut to the chase. You all knew THIS would happen.

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Don't act so surprised.

"So of course, we have to dump the body back in the pool and pretend like this never happened."

"You mean party all night with a dead woman floating in our pool?"

"Why yes. Do you have a better idea?"

I'm sure I could think of 1 or 2.

So what do they do? Throw an elaborate house party!

You know it's a party when this kind of hair shows up.

Even the local Amish community came.

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And the creepers.

And a young Nick Nolte lookalike.

Random Death #1

Final Girl is all torn up about this.

And so is Kim Basinger. I mean Veronica Lake. I mean Jodie Draigie.

I hope she's going down to the basement to find another outfit from 1954.

Our second death. Mostly offscreen. You weren't expecting much though, were you?

This is just atrocious.

"Oh. My. God. Even these guys have a better fasion sense than us. I mean, it's not like whitie tighties ever went out of style."

"I'm a Sea Pig" That's literally what this guys says....ok

"Ok. So Mrs. Slater somehow managed to get out of the pool where we stashed her body."

"I just don't see how this could happen. I mean, who had the time to make this beer pyramid behind me?"

"Focus please."

"What are we going to do? We can't just expect to get away with this."

"She's right. We are all going to die in grotesque, painful ways."

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

If I'm numb with alcohol, maybe my death won't be so bad.

Let's take a moment to appreciate her outfit before she dies.

As well as her backside.

Wow, you really shouldn't have changed. What is that thing?

"Oh look, I found something and it's not creepy at all!"

Uhhhh, I don't think this is a good sign.

She's dying, can't you tell?

Who cares about what's going on in the movie. What's going on with that pant suite/blouse thing on the left?

Our heroine has decided to explore the attic by candlelight, which is always a good idea.

"Funny how we lived here for four years an never noticed this. Huh."

An adult-sized jester outfit. Nope. Not creepy at all.

I'm sensing a theme.

Oh hey! It's that guy that always pops up at the strangest times!

Our fourth death in this movie. And our millionth death in a van in a horror movie.

That's a real hand, I promise. Look, the nails are even painted.

"This is awkward."

"Yeah, I thought the producers said this film had no black people in it."

On the run. An actual chase. Yay.

And for some reason everyone has locked themselves out of their rooms, which will become unlocked at some other time when it is more convenient for the plot.

I just hate it when you trip when there is clearly nothing there to trip you.

How could this girl survive this movie? And for this long?

Knife to the back of the neck. Well that's new.

And the shower head drips slowly like the lifeblood oozing from her neck.

Drowning Pool.

Arg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Romero shows up to help.

Were we supposed to notice the fake grass?

Or the fact that they dug a perfectly shaped grave with shovels?

Second person to die in a van. They have more than fulfilled their quota.

It looks like a mutant hillbilly, but I assure you it's not.

Even when she's about to die, she still looks like a bitch.

Titanic, eat your heart out.

We've been waiting for this moment the entire film.

"Well, I'm not sure if I'm supossed to be sad or what because....

...she is still giving me that same bitch face when she's dead"

"Just relax. The pink lights were my idea darling."

"I hope you like them because you're going to be sitting there for a long time while I drug you and use you as bait!"

"Ok. I guess I'm cool with that."

"Can I change my mind?"

"Cause this shit isn't funny."

Oh, look who shows up at the right moment!

Only to get shot in the shoulder.

What do you mean you can't see the wound?

See, he's even holding his shoulder. He totally got shot.

Romero gets it.

The killer is stabbing him in this frame. One frame later:

He's gone!!!

Ok, that mask thing is legitimately creepy.

Lolz....

This movie is so damn dramatic.

For a few moments, she turns into a zombie. Pallid skin. Sunken eyes.

No need to pay any attention to that jester in the corner or anything.

Just keep focusing on your jack-in-the-box trap thing. It will probably work...

It's alive!

Quickest costume change in history, by the way.

Aim. Fire!

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Miss!

Fire again at the target that is 3 feet away!

"Woman, you suck"

Throw the gun at him!

Still missed??? Oh come on!

Well that's a convenient find. Don't we all look for hidden daggers stuffed in dolls' necks?

Finally, a weapon that requries a low enough level of hand-eye coordination.

"It's over."

"I'm not grabbing my boob, I'm just...resting."

OMGZ!!!!! He opened his eyes! No way!

THE END!