Apparently, a lot of you guys liked Part VI more than I was expecting. So I’m dying to see what you all think of the next entry, which is my least favorite Friday by far. Yes, I dislike it more than Jason Goes to Hell (which I actually enjoy more than I should). The films I like the least are those where it seems like studios were more involved in the production and post-production processes, where deaths are executed in a checklist fashion as opposed to a clever yet sick sense of humor. The more strange, awkward, random, and demented the better, but there is a hokey line that can be crossed. And the first Friday to truly cross that line is…
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
This is just one mess of a movie. I still love it out of a deep-seated requirement to love all Friday the 13th films, but it’s a much different kind of love where pleasure is derived from poking fun at its nonsensical nature. Not only is a telekinetic Final Girl introduced, but the film just lacks general cohesion. This has to be the pinnacle of the following horror stereotypes: wandering into the woods for no reason, running the opposite direction that is safe, drugs and sex equal death, the use of random objects for murder weapons, and an overall void of logic. These stereotypes are a double-edged sword: they are reasons why I enjoy this movie but also reasons why it is truly a low point of the series, especially because the film seems to take itself seriously. In many ways, it’s very much like Halloween 5, but manages to not look quite as out of place in the series.
At least Jason has some backbone
Since I gave out awards for the best moments to the rebellious A New Beginning, I decided to change things up and give out awards to the worst moments for The New Blood. It’s sort of like the Razzies, but there is no mean-spiritedness here. This is more like a friend giving you a hard time because you did something stupid. Let’s give it a shot!
Narrator: “We have a legend ‘round here. A killer buried, but not dead. A curse on Crystal Lake, a death curse. Jason Voorhees' curse. They say he died as a boy, but he keeps coming back. Few have seen him and lived. Some have even tried to stop him. No one can.”
Nick: “It was a big pink elephant.” Making some horrible joke about a noise in the woods. Huh?
Tina: “You’ll probably turn out to be a delusion.” Referring to the newly found boy of her dreams.
And the Worst Line belongs to….
The Narrator! What the hell? Why is there a narrator in a Friday film? Who is this guy? It’s actually the voice of Crazy Ralph from the first two films, but this is never explained. It delivered more like Sam Elliot from The Big Lebowski, not at all like the Crazy Ralph we remember. You’d think this might be used instead of a recap, but no…we get that too.
"Shut up! I do not look like the girl from Poltergeist!"
Tina’s Dad: Using her psychic powers, Tina accidentally kills her father by bringing down the dock.
Dr. Crews: Dispatched with a brush saw, but it’s mostly off screen.
Robin: Thrown out of the second story window and lands with a disappointing thump.
Jason recommends Home Depot for their low prices and excellent customer service.
He felt that he was not treated as an individual at Lowe's and Ace Hardware did not have a great selection.
And the Worst Kill belongs to...
Dr. Crews! There are two reasons why this death is bad. 1) We have been waiting to see Dr. Crews die the entire film. He’s a jerk, so we want to see a juicy kill. 2) The brush saw comes completely out of nowhere and is built up quite a bit. The murder weapon is not planted at all. If Jason’s going to pull random tools out of an invisible shed (which I’m okay with), then at least show us what he does with it! Don’t cut away!
Yeah, cause I really just wanted to see this guy's face more.
Worst Use of the “Everyone thinks I’m crazy” Final Girl Motif:
Tina runs out of the house after an argument with Dr. Crews to the dock where she sees Jason come out of the lake.
Tina asks to see a picture of Nick’s brother and tells him that she saw him die in her mind.
Tina runs away again and steals her mom’s car only to crash it into a tree.
And the Worst Use of the “Everyone thinks I’m crazy” Final Girl Motif belongs to…
Tina informing Nick that his brother is dead! So she’s telekinetic, but she’s also psychic or something? I’m not sure what you call it, but Tina appears to have an array of supernatural powers whenever it is convenient for the plot. Aside from that, this scene is hilariously bad. Tina asks if he happens to have a picture of his brother with him and Nick goes, “Actually, I do.” He pulls one out of his wallet. Ha. Ok. Then she says, “I’m sorry, but I think your brother’s dead.” At that point, I’d be like, “This girl is crazy. She’s either mentally disturbed and/or she actually killed my brother.”
Stopping by the rave before work
Worst Attack on Jason:
The swinging bulb that knocks Jason out
Trees grabbing Jason and his electrocution in the mud puddle
The resurrection of Tina’s Daddy, who pulls Jason into the water
And the Worst Attack on Jason belongs to…
Daddy saves the day! Are you kidding me? You all knew it was going to happen, but when it did, you just groaned and shook your head. Am I supposed to feel that alcoholic, wife-beating Daddy is a hero? Ummmm. No. I never want to see anyone busting out of a dock from beneath Crystal Lake that isn’t Jason ever again.
Another victory for domestic violence
Wrapping Things Up in a Nice Way
I’ve always thought that if you’re going to criticize something or someone, you should probably accompany your harsh words with some good things to say. So here are three things I did like about The New Blood.
1. At least we get one of the best deaths in the series: the infamous sleeping bag slammed against the tree… with a girl inside it of course
2. Kane Hodder! I’m always happy to see his portrayal of Jason on the screen. If only he had the chance to be in some of the better films.
3. There are 2 mullets in this movie and that’s always a plus. One belongs to Tina’s mom and it is atrociously great. The second is sported by a paramedic’s brief appearance.