CAPS: Cathy's Curse (1977)

I know that I've been a bad blogger lately. I'm basically averaging one post a week...yikes! I'm still adjusting to this whole working 8-5 thing, plus I'm still doing freelance editing in between. Anyway, I've owed you a CAPS review for so long and I'm very happy to show you the selected film. You see, I've heard about this movie for a while now. Its so-bad-it's-awkward qualities are legendary. In fact, for some of these screen captures, I could not come up with better captions than the actual dialogue of the film. So I kept lines from the movie for some. And because you probably won't be able to tell the difference (that's how ridiculous this movie is), I'll put an asterisk next to those which are actual quotations from the film. I implore you to seek this movie and experience it. My review pales in comparison to its notorious identity. So without further ado, I give you:

AKA: "Cauchemares" if you want to class things up.

Some backstory that didn't quite fit into the 4:3 aspect ratio.

Daddy Gimble rushes home.

"Oh by the way, Mommy left us."

*"You're mother's a bitch!"*

"Are we there yet?"

"No, your mother drives like a bitch."

"Oh no! A bunny!"

Crash...

and burn!

Worst use of a pronoun ever. Who's "He"? 

Oh yeah, it's George, the one who the mother took, who we've never seen.

And here's Cathy, the inexplicably angry sleeper.

*"Where did Cathy go?"*

"Oh there you are. No wandering around your own house."

The Director's objective for Cathy: Touch everything.

Touch the chair.

Touch the lamp.

Touch the top of the lamp.

"Isn't life great?"

*"You and I both know that I had a nervous breakdown."*

The family is happily eating dinner until...

"Someone's watching me. I can see it through the sheers 

with the eyes in the back of my head."

"Now, now, you're just crazy. I don't see any 

eyes back here. Just hair."

Cathy explores the attic, where again 

she is directed to touch everything.

Touch the giant frog.

Touch the statue.

Touch the cobwebs.

Touch the mannequin head.

Touch the badminton racquet.

Touch this creepy accursed doll.

"Wha, wha, what's that?"

DUN!

DUN!!

DUN!!!

Best foreshadowing ever:

*"I better oil this. Someone could get locked in here."*

The women welcome Cathy's mother to the neighborhood.

"Oh by the way, I just so happen to be a medium."

Just outside, Cathy teaches the kids a new game:

*"Let's play accident!"*

*"Repeat after me, all women are bitches."*

*"All women are bitches."*

The Medium mediates...

while Cathy puts a needle to the little girl's eyes

"Oh, it's so terrible. Look at me, look at me!"

"Wait..where did everyone go? 

Now who's gonna' pay attention to me?"

Poor child stricken by Cathy's needle.

"Was it good for you?"

Later, the husband and his misses play a little Catch-Me-Rape-Me

"Oh George, where's your ski mask darling?"

Cathy interrupts, begging for her doll.

"Here's your damn doll you cockblock."

Cathy wakes up bright and early,

intent on shooting random objects with her mind bullets.

"Well good morning dear, I made you breakfast."

And Cathy gently hurls her bowl into the floor.

"It's okay, I'll get it, I'm sure you just dropped 

it ten feet from where you're sitting."

Two ceramic pieces later:

*"There. It's all done."*

She discovers the filthy accursed doll.

"Back off hag."

Cathy demonstrates the doll's power. 

"I knew it was made in China."

Death to the haters of rag dolls.

And may they die in unnatural poses.

"What a bizarre accident." 

"You and I both know I'm having another nervous breakdown."

And the stripe of eye light lets us know 

she's cursed, in case we didn't get it yet.

"Um yes Mr. Shrink, could you please fix my wife?

She's two quarts low."

"Oh hello sweet little Cathy."

"Wait...where did you go?"

"Oh there you are!"

*"You can't hide from me."*

Mother seems to be unaware of Cathy's teleporting abilities,

insisting that Cathy can simply run/hide in between blinks of the eye.

"Ya bitch, it's called tell-uh-poor-ting."

Mother ends up in the hospital.

"Oh Cathy, I must let the drunk old man take care of you now."

Old Man: "Let's play a game."

Cathy: "No."

Well, that's where my plan ended. Time for a drink.

Winos make good babysitters, right Cathy?

The Medium returns:

*"Leave, you old bitch fat whore."*

Let her rephrase:

*"Old fat dried up whore."*

"Wow, that was...really mean."

Another victory for alcoholism.

And for children in situations with alcohol.

Practicing for her career post child-actor.

"Cathy, what have you done?"

"Nuthing...I'm just chillin'."

"But I haaate snakes!"

"And rats!"

"Oh and tarantulas too!"

Kiss my asp.

Apparently, the snakes and Mr. Tarantula had conflicting contracts

and could not appear on screen together. 

Cathy's evil eye light returns, inflicting havoc on the family dog.

"I just don't see how eye light could have done this! 

Sure maybe flat lighting or lens flares..."

The brave medium returns once again.

"Okay, I'm ready for your insults now."

*"Medium? I'd say extra rare piece of shit!"*

The Accursed Picture attacks!

*"Haha, go on you filthy female cow, make us laugh."*

Later, crazy mother returns.

"Faint bitch!"

"What ever could have happened?"

Cathy's power is growing.

"Cathy, you poor thing. I'm sorry 

your mother is clearly the problem here."

"Mr. Shrink, you did not fix my wife like I asked!

I want a refund and a free supply of Valium."

Sometime later..."Go into the water Cathy."

Which her stunt double does.

"Help, I'm drowning and I can't get out!"

Good thing Daddy valiantly saves her from knee-deep water.

"There's something wrong with Cathy."

Best faux excuse for not caring:

*"I've been working 18 hours at the construction site!"*

"He doesn't love me. No one really works 18 hours a day..."

"Why does everyone think I'm crazy?"

"Oh shoot, does someone have a tampon?"

Just when you thought you had this movie figured out...leeches!

Make sure you keep a hand conveniently over your breast,

as you desperately try to get the leeches off your back.

"Look Wino, you're the only one I trust 

to watch my wife and daughter."

Cathy delicately enjoys her apple.

"Go! Save Cathy! Burn the doll!"

"Oh...okay!"

Busting open the door worked a little too well.

Film another take? 

Nope, just close the door and bust it open again in the same shot.

"Don't hurt me Cathy!"

MAGIC!

"But David Copperfield's a jerk!"

No, you're not dizzy. It's out of focus...for artistic effect I'm sure.

"Hmm...no one is answering the phone.

They MUST be in grave danger!"

Cathy fell in the dog doodoo in the front yard.

"Sorry, the damn wino's supposed to pick up the poo."

They fight for the doll,

but little does she know...Cathy is an MMA fighter.

Daddy rushes home to put his Affliction shirt on.

"Ugh..what happened to your face?"

Mommy plucks out an eye.

"NOOOOO!"

All better. 

Bye bye, curse-giver.

"Oh thank god you're beautiful again. Now we don't 

have to withdraw from the Ms. Jailbait pageant."

"That's right. Daddy's little cookie is gonna bring me some dough."

THE END!

Enjoyed this? Check out my other CAPS Reviews for:

Hellraiser 3
House on Sorority Row

Jennifer's Body

Scarecrow Slayer

Splinter

[REC] 2 (2009): What a Shame

When I first saw the trailer for [REC] 2, my nerd radar was going off the charts. FPS-style zombie action with a SWAT team!?!?! I was more than excited. Could this be the kick-ass found footage film that finally blows our mind with non-stop action? Well, it could have been, but sadly, it was not.

While I certainly enjoyed [REC] 2, it was mainly just a big disappointment. Beginning immediately where the first film leaves off, a SWAT team that just so happens to be equipped with video cameras enters the quarantined building, led by a vaguely authoritative doctor. The SWAT team quickly discovers that this is more than just a virus and that the doctor is not what he seems.  The possession angle that was revealed in the end of the first film (and ignored by the American remake) comes full force, as our heroes are not battling zombies, but demons.

"Just don't spit pea soup on my uniform honey."

I was excited that the filmmakers steered themselves as far from Quarantine (not that I didn’t enjoy the remake, because I enjoyed it a lot) as possible by really seizing the demonic possession plot. However, this only works some of the time. All the creepy-crawly child-demons scurrying about the ceilings were effective. The apparent lack of a threat from the other zombie/demons inside the building was not so effective. While [REC] was successful in capturing the hopeless, overwhelmed feeling, much of [REC]2 has a meandering feeling. The characters’ journey never really evolves, as they are after the same thing the entire film and somehow manage to screw things up whenever they get a chance to escape.

Ack! More evidence that bald, skinny kids are evil.

Another distinction between the original film and its predecessor is the characters. The sequel almost seems to have a stubborn goal of forcing you not to really like any of the characters. Why is one SWAT team member different from another? I don’t really know. They’re all pretty similar. All the civilians introduced were unlikeable and painfully stupid, so what’s a moviegoer to do? Sit back in an apathetic state and watch the events unfold, not caring who lives or who dies. I had the exact opposite feelings when watching the first film, because the filmmakers did a brilliant job of capturing a wide variety of characters, whose individual plights we sympathized with.

Every frame should have looked like this.

The pacing issue is huge in [REC] 2. Half way through the film, the movie switches point of views, departing from the SWAT team to follow a group of moronic teenagers who decide to sneak into a building they know is quarantined. Brilliant, eh? It’s even better when they encounter the firefighter who tells them to leave and what do they do? Point a gun at him and proclaim that they have some right to be there. Whatever, stupid movie kids. Anyway, this shift in pace and perspective really dampens the film. Not only do we have to watch many of the same events over again, but it’s uninteresting and unnecessary. From the trailer I was expecting an intense, fast-paced film and somehow it managed to be slower than the first movie, but without all the suspense.

Lord, deliver us from mediocrity.

I don’t mean to rain on [REC] 2’s parade and all, but it really isn’t a great film. It’s difficult to summon up the success of the first film again, and indeed, it’s probably not fair to measure a sequel by its predecessor. This inevitably leads to disappointment. However, [REC] 2 was simply a squandered opportunity to not only be better than the original, but to be a good film based on an interesting premise. The basic plot was there, but the characters, storytelling, and suspense wasn’t. 

The Wonder World of "Oh Shit!" Faces: Part 1

One of my favorite posts of all time is my compilation of "Oh Shit" faces from the Friday the 13th films in commemoration of the holiday. I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did. In fact, I get so much enjoyment from collecting "Oh Shit" faces that I suddenly felt compelled to turn it into an ongoing feature. Like all ongoing features of The Horror Effect, there is no rhyme or reason to them. Who knows how often it will show up or when, but for now you can enjoy my first compilation of some of modern horror's Damsels in Distress.

"Oh shit, these gloves are silky smooth! Sheepskin?"

"Oh shit, can you fix my wig?"

"Oh shit, this is gonna' suck almost as much as the movie."

"Oh shit, this isn't streak-free!"

"Oh shit, this was the...worst.. makeover... ever!"

"Oh shit, that rave was awesome. I feel fuzzy."

"Oh shit, I forgot my hall pass."

"Oh shit, you think we'll actually get paid for the sequel?!"

"Oh shit, I didn't brush my teeth."

"Oh shit, dude your hand totally smells like ass."

Tony (2009): For Fans of Henry

Imagine the sterility and pacing of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, but with better technical elements and less brutal murders, and you have Tony. The UK film stars Peter Ferdinando, who is just as good as Michael Rooker, as the ultimate creeper of the shabby London suburbs. Written and Directed by Gerard Johnson, Tony is his first feature film and second time working with Ferdinando. While the film is incredibly well-shot, well-acted, and generally well put together, I walked away with the same question I did after witnessing Henry: Why did I watch this film?

The title character Tony is a mess of a human being. He is painfully awkward, sporting a more decrepit Crispin Glover look and maintaining a confused sexual frustration.  Addicted to action films (hey, a No Retreat, No Surrender reference!), I imagine that much of his frustration sprouts from his feeble self not measuring up to the stars he quotes. Only a truly insane individual would allude to First Blood when being confronted by a man three times his strength, muttering, “Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe.” In some ways, Tony reminded me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, only the fantasy is not so heavily invested in. In fact, it is tough to tell what Tony’s deal is and I kept asking myself so many questions. Why does he kill? When did he start? What made him snap? Rather than walking us through Tony’s decent into the life of a serial killer, we begin in the middle of it. The first murder is casual and Tony knows exactly how to clean up after it. I can’t help but think the film would have been more interesting if it had a clear distinction from Tony’s state at the beginning of the film in comparison to the end. Instead, we get a slice of life that is 76 minutes long with no particular destination.

I did find my mind wandering throughout the film, checking the time once or twice. I am thankful the filmmakers did not attempt to push screen time to reach the 90-minute mark.   Whoever said that was a prerequisite? It works for Tony to be as short as it is, since it does not follow a traditional rising-action/climax/falling-action pot structure. What kept my interest throughout the film was Ferdinando’s performance, the emotive cinematography, and the dissonant sound design. Ferdinando lives and breathes the character; every movement, expression, and gesture is guided by Tony’s internal turmoil. This characterization was captured perfectly through the lens. Gorgeous steadicam shots follow Tony as he meanders through the seedy London streets during magic hour, capturing all of the city’s beauty and ugliness in every frame. There are no gargantuan camera movements that distract from the character-focused story, nor are there schizophrenic Paul-Greengrass-style shots. Everything is understated and punctuated at the right moments. To accompany the picture, the sound design is equally as understated. Sometimes score is simply allowed to take over, as all diegetic audio fades away. The lone piano or the singular droning sounds truly encapsulated Tony’s dynamic emotional and mental states.

While I can appreciate all of the aforementioned craftsmanship, I still cannot get over the question I asked earlier: Why did I watch this film? There seems to be no message, no theme, no resolution, and no redemption. Just like Henry, the film ends the same way it began. Did anything in between the credits even matter for the outcome of the story? Although some people don’t mind this type of plot structure, I need more. I need a beginning, middle, and end. However, if you were a fan of Henry, then you should definitely check out Tony.

Thanks to Revolver Entertainment and Carl from I Like Horror Movies for the screener.

MANIC MONDAY TOTALLY SUCKED! DON'T BE A LEMMING!

Despite the horror blogosphere's sudden and inexplicable love affair with Manic Monday, I'd have to say that the film was a total letdown. It was poorly scripted, poorly acted, and poorly executed. In fact, I'd rather watch my junior high spoof of The Blair Witch Project shot on a VHS-C camcorder...the cinematography is Oscar-worthy by comparison.

I know I'm late to the draw. My blogger friends may have got to you before my advice could. I'm warning you, stay as far away from Manic Monday as possible. I felt like I was placed in one of Jigsaw's traps throughout the entire runtime. I kept imagining that I had to kill the filmmakers themselves in order to stop the movie from continuing. How far would I go to end the lameness that is Manic Monday? Murder, I tell you, bloody murder.

So to avoid becoming a part of a massive April Fool's Day joke, don't seek Manic Monday and don't listen to me either. The End.