MARCH MADNESS: You know what really grinds my gears?

Did anyone catch that Family Guy reference? Anyway, last week for March Madness I talked about people that got pissed off and now, I’m going to talk about what makes me mad. All the nitpicky, irritating things of the horror world will be exposed…at least all the nitpicky, irritating things according to my outlook.

"This is good, but can we do more white trash?"

Rockabilly Rob’s Colorful Writing

It’s not Rob Zombie himself so much as it is the characters of his films (I am a fan of his music and loved seeing him live). However, in Zombie’s cinematic presentations, everyone has to spit F-bombs and crap STD’s. I mean good lord, where do all these miscreants come from? And how did they all assemble in one place without the world exploding? Even the “normal” people of his films aren’t “normal” for long. What the hell happened to Laurie in H2? Zombified…

"Why yes Clarice, I consider myself a fan of the polar, 

the French version of the thriller,

but don't mistake it for a horror film 

because then I'd have to eat you

and that may bring this into horror territory"

Thriller Schmiller

I can’t stand it when a horror film that is critically-respected or features prominent cast members suddenly becomes a “thriller” instead of a horror movie. In fact, I have heard film professors state that the difference between a horror movie and a thriller is its quality! Ugh! Really, I consider a thriller to be a softcore subgenre of horror for the most part, especially when the plots involve serial killers or supernatural elements. Perhaps this whole thriller thing is the reason they mistakenly said The Exorcist was the last horror film to be recognized at the Academy Awards. The Sixth Sense? Silence of the Lambs? Huh? You guys even showed these movies in your horror montage!!!

"Damn you filmmakers. Before the remake, 

the Friday the 13th series had integrity!"

Remake Haterade Drinkers

While it is unfortunate that Hollywood continues to remake instead of rethink of ideas, I don’t know why people get so angry about every single attempt to revamp a film or a franchise. Sometimes the original film could use some updating, especially when low budgets led to poor quality. Last House on the Left is a perfect example. Sometimes it’s just nice to see a different perspective from a talented filmmaker on a familiar idea, like with The Thing. Just like a cover song, sometimes they are better than the original. Plus, I’m happy that new generations are re-introduced to Friday the 13^th and Nightmare on Elm Street. Those series whored themselves out so much, who could possibly be upset about the remakes? I’m pretty sure the low point for these franchises has already been reached.

Face your fears of a world where everything is green.

Epileptic Cinematography and Editing

Have you ever watched a horror film and just wanted to scream at the filmmakers to “SLOW THE F DOWN!” Hold on a shot for more than 2 seconds and try not to shake the camera like you’re having a seizure. I’m not one to put on a pair of suspenders and complain about them MTV-style moving pictures, but damn, give my eyes a break. Watching anything made before 2000, you realize that there’s more to cinematography than shallow depth of field, handheld movements, and a cold color palette. And hey, you might even realize that an editor’s job isn’t to throw all the shots in a blender to concoct an uber-dynamic smoothie that really shouldn’t be called a smoothie because it’s not smooth at all…But it has all those flavors, like the different shot choices, and….this metaphor sucks. Sorry. The End.