3.24.2010

MARCH MADNESS: You know what really grinds my gears?

Did anyone catch that Family Guy reference? Anyway, last week for March Madness I talked about people that got pissed off and now, I’m going to talk about what makes me mad. All the nitpicky, irritating things of the horror world will be exposed…at least all the nitpicky, irritating things according to my outlook.
"This is good, but can we do more white trash?"

Rockabilly Rob’s Colorful Writing
It’s not Rob Zombie himself so much as it is the characters of his films (I am a fan of his music and loved seeing him live). However, in Zombie’s cinematic presentations, everyone has to spit F-bombs and crap STD’s. I mean good lord, where do all these miscreants come from? And how did they all assemble in one place without the world exploding? Even the “normal” people of his films aren’t “normal” for long. What the hell happened to Laurie in H2? Zombified…
"Why yes Clarice, I consider myself a fan of the polar, 
the French version of the thriller,
but don't mistake it for a horror film 
because then I'd have to eat you
and that may bring this into horror territory"

Thriller Schmiller
I can’t stand it when a horror film that is critically-respected or features prominent cast members suddenly becomes a “thriller” instead of a horror movie. In fact, I have heard film professors state that the difference between a horror movie and a thriller is its quality! Ugh! Really, I consider a thriller to be a softcore subgenre of horror for the most part, especially when the plots involve serial killers or supernatural elements. Perhaps this whole thriller thing is the reason they mistakenly said The Exorcist was the last horror film to be recognized at the Academy Awards. The Sixth Sense? Silence of the Lambs? Huh? You guys even showed these movies in your horror montage!!!

"Damn you filmmakers. Before the remake, 
the Friday the 13th series had integrity!"

Remake Haterade Drinkers
While it is unfortunate that Hollywood continues to remake instead of rethink of ideas, I don’t know why people get so angry about every single attempt to revamp a film or a franchise. Sometimes the original film could use some updating, especially when low budgets led to poor quality. Last House on the Left is a perfect example. Sometimes it’s just nice to see a different perspective from a talented filmmaker on a familiar idea, like with The Thing. Just like a cover song, sometimes they are better than the original. Plus, I’m happy that new generations are re-introduced to Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street. Those series whored themselves out so much, who could possibly be upset about the remakes? I’m pretty sure the low point for these franchises has already been reached.

Face your fears of a world where everything is green.

Epileptic Cinematography and Editing
Have you ever watched a horror film and just wanted to scream at the filmmakers to “SLOW THE F DOWN!” Hold on a shot for more than 2 seconds and try not to shake the camera like you’re having a seizure. I’m not one to put on a pair of suspenders and complain about them MTV-style moving pictures, but damn, give my eyes a break. Watching anything made before 2000, you realize that there’s more to cinematography than shallow depth of field, handheld movements, and a cold color palette. And hey, you might even realize that an editor’s job isn’t to throw all the shots in a blender to concoct an uber-dynamic smoothie that really shouldn’t be called a smoothie because it’s not smooth at all…But it has all those flavors, like the different shot choices, and….this metaphor sucks. Sorry. The End.

12 comments:

  1. Ha - agreed on most points, especially RZ's penchant for unrealistic hillbilly types. Like the orderly-rapist in the first HALLOWEEN remake, or Ronnie/William Forsythe. Seriously?! Who is that confrontational and redneck-ish for no good reason? Yosemite Sam has more natural dignity than some of Zombie's more extreme caricatures.

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  2. Great post, Becky. Are you ready for my long rant-y comment? Too bad because here it is...

    Rob's dialogue: My problem with his dialogue isn't so much that it's colorful, but that none of it seems to be written character-specific. In other words, you can take, say, Forsythe's dialogue from HALLOWEEN and have Otis from HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES say the same shit, and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Know what I mean? I like Rob Zombie, I really do, but I agree that dialogue is his weak point.

    Thrillers: I know what you mean, but I really can't comment on the whole Oscar Horror montage thing because I didn't see it. I haven't watched the Oscars in years and I absolutely refuse. What I don't understand is how all of these fucking horror elitists on the "blogosphere" watch the Oscars and then get upset about it? It's the Oscars... WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU EXPECTING?!?????!!!! It's the one time of the year where studios and wealthy movie producers pat themselves on the back, not to honor the movies that truly deserve the accolades. I know that has nothing to do with what you were saying, but still.

    Remakes: Here's the thing... I'm not a fan of remakes, but it's inevitable that most horror movies will be remade at some point. Nothing is sacred, people, so get over it. Your favorite horror movie will be remade and there's nothing you can do about it. If you don't like it, don't watch them. And not to go on another rant, but most of the people that complain about remakes STILL go to the theater and pay to see them, thus making the studios that much richer. Well, guess what... the studios aren't the problem... YOU ARE.

    Whew! I need a cigarette.

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  3. I agree about Zombie's writing. His films just ooze "white trash", I hate it. Agree on thrillers, too. Apologize for my rampant remake hate, it's just my purist nature.:)And yes, I've about had an aneurysm with this last one.

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  4. Great post and I must say I heartily agree with all your points, except maybe one. Check out my latest on the difference between a horror and thriller.
    And Laurie in H2!! WTF!? So many things I yelled at her while watching that film, all of which are completely unprintable. :)

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  5. Good list of things to hate...good thing you mentioned that green tinted thing they do in movies after Fight Club did it.

    In fact, I hate when any movie does this, they should just try and illuminate a film with its original colors...how hard would that be?

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  6. Lol your right. The silence caption is pretty good lol. I have a serious question about mistaken horror identity... Passion of the Christ shows a man being tortured and beat to death then martyred... Martyrs did this and was loved by horror fans... Is passion of the Christ's genre CHRISTIAN PROPAGANDA DRAMA? Or THRILLER... OR EVEN MAYBE HORROR. It has all the elements... :D

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  7. Nice rants, Becky!

    Man, I hope people have the attention span to read the 4th one at least 3 times. Big pet peeve for me, too.

    Just had a little debate about the "horror-ness" of Silence on a messageboard the other day. It was kind of embarrassing...FOR THEM.

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  8. I used to drink from the cup of haterade with remakes. But then films like LHOTL and Crazies came out (not to mention Dawn of the Dead before them) and they made me 'remake' my stance. And I loved the LHOTL remake even moreso than the original.

    Zombie needs to stick with music. Reform White Zombie please!

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  9. I'm going to have to disagree with most of you. I love Rob Zombie's movies...they're just fun! House of 1000 Corpses is especially good.

    Anyway, I'm for remakes. Some of them have been good.

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  10. Oh I can definitely agree with many of those rants (mins Rob, where else would I turn to for potty mouths??), but esp the remake hate. OK, so you have two options: Never see the film remade and never get someone elses take on the storyline, or have the option to watch a film that might actually have some merit and make the story fresh and new again. Where is the fucking trouble? Sorority Row still sucked though muwahahahahaha.... HATE!

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  11. Seriously...the editing is horrific in some of these flicks...these directors all came out of the music video editing school of directing

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  12. Wow, you defend remakes. You rock!

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