CAPS: House on Sorority Row (1983)

Finally, another long-awaited CAPS (Screens Captures and Captions) review. In celebration of the upcoming Sorority Row, let's take a moment to relive a classic slasher.

Don't be afraid. The whole movie doesn't look like this. We're just letting you know it's "the past" when this lady loses her baby during childbirth, which is somehow going to be important later on.

Ahhh, back to the familiar grit and grain of 80's slasher goodness.

Meet the victims, I mean cast.

There's this girl, who manages to look like a bitch in every frame of the film.

And our Final Girl, who has this ugly-pretty-girl thing going for her.

And this montage is just for clarification that we are in a Sorority.

I'm sorry Mr. Band, but you just don't deserve a more appealing shot for your credit.

The first (of many) examples of glorious 80's fashion. Purple shorts, baby blue polo...oh yeah.

The pool that their Sorority Mom has neglected to take care of. There's probably a Volvo under there.

She's trying to be nice, but nope, BITCH.

Just to show you the contrast.

The heinous Sorority Mom on her doctor visit just so we know that she's insane.

Is that George Romero? No, but I wish.

>

Fashion Example #2: Do I need to say anything?

Ok. This is weird.

Bitch with a gun.

Celebrating their graduation in style.

Hey, it's Baby Spice.

"You MAY NOT party in my house! I don't care that you're 21; it makes no difference that you are all 30-year-olds playing 20 somethings."

We're in college now, sex in the car is so high school.

Showing off her water bed that Daddy got her.

Mrs. Slater hears fornicating on the water bed.

Is that face supposed to be sexy? Cause all I'm getting is...BITCH

Oh yes, it feels like we're making it on a raft!

Someone doesn't like rafts.

Or water beds.

This is really the turning point in the film I'd say.

Plotting to seek revenge.

Meanwhile, we learn how demented the old hag is.

Ooooo. A gun. We can definitely pull a safe prank with that. Nothing could go wrong.

>

Who the hell decided it would be a good idea to hang that painting? Probably the same person that dressed these girls.

Mrs. Slater is pissed that they took down her beloved portrait.

>

She's nervous. That's called, "acting."

She's bitchy. That's called "a one note show"

This is called "trying too hard"

Things start to go wrong.

Pause. What is that blonde on the left wearing? Really?

HAHA! It's just a joke! It's just ketchup, I swear!

"We are just so damn clever and bitchy."

"You guys f-ing suck."

Let's cut to the chase. You all knew THIS would happen.

>

Don't act so surprised.

"So of course, we have to dump the body back in the pool and pretend like this never happened."

"You mean party all night with a dead woman floating in our pool?"

"Why yes. Do you have a better idea?"

I'm sure I could think of 1 or 2.

So what do they do? Throw an elaborate house party!

You know it's a party when this kind of hair shows up.

Even the local Amish community came.

>

And the creepers.

And a young Nick Nolte lookalike.

Random Death #1

Final Girl is all torn up about this.

And so is Kim Basinger. I mean Veronica Lake. I mean Jodie Draigie.

I hope she's going down to the basement to find another outfit from 1954.

Our second death. Mostly offscreen. You weren't expecting much though, were you?

This is just atrocious.

"Oh. My. God. Even these guys have a better fasion sense than us. I mean, it's not like whitie tighties ever went out of style."

"I'm a Sea Pig" That's literally what this guys says....ok

"Ok. So Mrs. Slater somehow managed to get out of the pool where we stashed her body."

"I just don't see how this could happen. I mean, who had the time to make this beer pyramid behind me?"

"Focus please."

"What are we going to do? We can't just expect to get away with this."

"She's right. We are all going to die in grotesque, painful ways."

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

If I'm numb with alcohol, maybe my death won't be so bad.

Let's take a moment to appreciate her outfit before she dies.

As well as her backside.

Wow, you really shouldn't have changed. What is that thing?

"Oh look, I found something and it's not creepy at all!"

Uhhhh, I don't think this is a good sign.

She's dying, can't you tell?

Who cares about what's going on in the movie. What's going on with that pant suite/blouse thing on the left?

Our heroine has decided to explore the attic by candlelight, which is always a good idea.

"Funny how we lived here for four years an never noticed this. Huh."

An adult-sized jester outfit. Nope. Not creepy at all.

I'm sensing a theme.

Oh hey! It's that guy that always pops up at the strangest times!

Our fourth death in this movie. And our millionth death in a van in a horror movie.

That's a real hand, I promise. Look, the nails are even painted.

"This is awkward."

"Yeah, I thought the producers said this film had no black people in it."

On the run. An actual chase. Yay.

And for some reason everyone has locked themselves out of their rooms, which will become unlocked at some other time when it is more convenient for the plot.

I just hate it when you trip when there is clearly nothing there to trip you.

How could this girl survive this movie? And for this long?

Knife to the back of the neck. Well that's new.

And the shower head drips slowly like the lifeblood oozing from her neck.

Drowning Pool.

Arg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Romero shows up to help.

Were we supposed to notice the fake grass?

Or the fact that they dug a perfectly shaped grave with shovels?

Second person to die in a van. They have more than fulfilled their quota.

It looks like a mutant hillbilly, but I assure you it's not.

Even when she's about to die, she still looks like a bitch.

Titanic, eat your heart out.

We've been waiting for this moment the entire film.

"Well, I'm not sure if I'm supossed to be sad or what because....

...she is still giving me that same bitch face when she's dead"

"Just relax. The pink lights were my idea darling."

"I hope you like them because you're going to be sitting there for a long time while I drug you and use you as bait!"

"Ok. I guess I'm cool with that."

"Can I change my mind?"

"Cause this shit isn't funny."

Oh, look who shows up at the right moment!

Only to get shot in the shoulder.

What do you mean you can't see the wound?

See, he's even holding his shoulder. He totally got shot.

Romero gets it.

The killer is stabbing him in this frame. One frame later:

He's gone!!!

Ok, that mask thing is legitimately creepy.

Lolz....

This movie is so damn dramatic.

For a few moments, she turns into a zombie. Pallid skin. Sunken eyes.

No need to pay any attention to that jester in the corner or anything.

Just keep focusing on your jack-in-the-box trap thing. It will probably work...

It's alive!

Quickest costume change in history, by the way.

Aim. Fire!

>

Miss!

Fire again at the target that is 3 feet away!

"Woman, you suck"

Throw the gun at him!

Still missed??? Oh come on!

Well that's a convenient find. Don't we all look for hidden daggers stuffed in dolls' necks?

Finally, a weapon that requries a low enough level of hand-eye coordination.

"It's over."

"I'm not grabbing my boob, I'm just...resting."

OMGZ!!!!! He opened his eyes! No way!

THE END!

Excitement in the Air

So I just recently sat back and realized how excited I am for 2009, and particularly, these next couple of months for the horror genre. There are some films coming out that look fantastic and some that just look like a good time. We have our share of studio fare, indie surprises, and foreign mindbogglers on their way. I will watch any horror film that comes my way; I love them all even if I don't think they are good. I will sit through PG-13 mass-marketed garbage, cliche teen slashers, another Asian ghost movie, and just about anything else that finds it's way into my beloved genre. So, just to get you all excited about the cinematic experience, here are some highlights of 2009 for the American theatrical run! *

What We've Had So Far:

My Bloody Valentine in 3D -- How much fun did you have watching "Harry Warden" come at your face with a pickax in the third dimension?

The Last House on the Left -- Finally, a remake for a film that actually could have used some updating and what a great remake it was.

Drag Me To Hell -- Oh, we still love you Sam! Do more horror movies please!

Dead Snow -- Two words: Nazi Zombies...SOLD!

Grace -- We're all dying to get a chance to see this one; damn you limited releases.

Orphan -- Better than everyone thought. It's nice to be pleasantly surprised by what appeared to be a run-of-the-mill studio film.

And Here is Some of What We Can Look Forward To:

The Final Destination -- Yeah, the actual movie looks bad, but I can't wait to watch the elaborate deaths play out in 3D!

H2 -- Whether you liked the first one or not, I think we are all curious to see what Mr. Zombie has in store for us.

Pandorum -- Good Sci-Fi/Horror blends don't happen all that often and I'm anxious to see this one. Plus, after watching Antibodies, I will see anything this director does.

Sorority Row -- Yup. It's gonna be great. Terrible, but amazing.

Jennifer's Body -- Well, you gentleman certainly have something to look forward to.

Zombieland -- This could quite possibly be the most fun horror movie of the year. Who isn't looking forward to this?

The Stepfather -- Really? You remade that? Ok, I'm down.

The Fourth Kind -- This movie could go either way (a disappointment or a surprise scare), but I am intrigued by the trailer.

* No, I didn't list everything, just some highlights.

Freddy and Jason Came to My Wedding!

I have to share this picture with you guys. Can you believe they made it to our wedding day? In all seriousness, those Freddy and Jason stand-ups have a lot of sentimental value in our relationship. On our first date, we went to see Freddy vs. Jason on opening night. Before the date, he surprised me with these lifesize stand-ups.

I was 16 years old, but somehow I look exactly the same...

A Night with the Gods of Metal

Heaven and Hell concert (Black Sabbath with Dio), with Coheed and Cambria opening!

On Tuesday night, we drove up to the Greek Theatre in North L.A. It's actually a pretty cool outdoor venue, with trees and rock formations surrounding the amphitheatre. We kept wondering if forest nymphs would hang out in the trees to listen to free music, but we didn't see any unfortunately.

The opening band was Coheed and Cambria--you remember them right? The lead singer with a high-pitched voice and a huge afro for hair? I was very concerned that he might have ditched the outrageous do, but he didn't and I was pleased.

They were great live and even blended one of their own songs with Iron Maiden's "The Trooper." That enlivened the crowd of Metal heads. And something must be said about the crowd. Rock concerts are the best place to people watch. Mullets, afros, long stringy hair, blue mohawks, bright pink locks, and just about anything else you can imagine are scattered around. It really is like going back in time, or some alternate universe, whatever you choose to call it. This also means people toking it up left and right, despite the policy forbidding such behavior. In front of us was an old man with crazy long, white hair and a beard to match. He was blazing the entire night. I am just glad the wind wasn't blowing in our direction.

Now, the main event: Heaven and Hell. I have seem them once before, when they toured under their original band name "Black Sabbath", with the tour being called "Heaven and Hell." A long time ago, Ozzy dropped out of Black Sabbath and Ronnie James Dio stepped in. If you don't know who Dio is, he is considered THE God of Metal. Tenacious D makes that case for me.

As always, these guys were amazing. They are some of the most talented musicians out there and are incredibly professional. Their set is awesome, with gargoyles, metal plates, wrought-iron fences, and a killer lighting design.

My husband and I keep talking about an epic movie that must be made with the band members as vampire slayers. I mean, just look at them.

And Tony Iommi (the guitarist) is one of the coolest people out there. He always wears black leather with a large silver cross gleaming against his chest and sports blue-tinted sunglasses (no matter what time of day). Iommi lost the part of two fingers in the sheet metal factory where he used to work, but he kept playing guitar with metal tips on his fingers. I think he uses something other than metal now, but regardless, he just screams vampire slayer to me.

Well, if these guys are still around and if I finally get a chance to make this rock opera, vampire slaying epic, it will be awesome I promise.

The Last 3 Movies I Watched

So this is what I've been up to: 70's exploitation, cheesy sci-fi action, and B-movie gold.


1) I Spit on Your Grave (AKA: Day of the Woman): I'm gonna' have to write up a full review for this one. I had been trying to watch this movie for a while. It's just not one of those films you can pick up and watch with other people around. And you have to be in a particular mood. It's certainly better than I was expecting.


2) G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra: Just like I enjoy watching over-the-top, horribly acted scary movies, I also enjoy action films that possess the same qualities. It's good for a laugh if nothing else and never takes itself seriously. I had fun and ninjas are always cool in my book, especially if they are called Snake Eyes.


3) Night of the Lepus: Carl, from I Like Horror Movies, reviewed this movie recently and I couldn't resist. It has Janet Leigh and Bones from Star Trek. Sweet. Plus, it's plot is centered around mutated rabbits! What's not to love about a movie in which most of the screen time is comprised of rabbits stomping around miniatures?

Honest Scrap Award/Tag

Special thanks to Geof over at Enter The Man-Cave for tagging me and nine others for this award. In specific, he mentions my CAPS reviews (screen captures and captions) and that means I need to do more of them because people seem to like them. I am currently working on one for The House on Sorority Row, so I'll try to have that up soon.

Anyway, in regards to the "Honest Scrap Award"...First of all, check out Enter The Man-Cave. Geof posts frequently on a variety of subjects (and yes, it is safe for women to enter the Cave) and he's pretty damn funny. Secondly, I get the opportunity to hand this award out to ten other blogs with links back to them. Thirdly, I am going to list 10 honest things you don't know about me.

Kick Ass Sites:

1) Horror Movie A Day: BC's was the first blog I started reading. He's hilarious and reviews everything from the big Hollywood releases to the crappy obscure horror flicks. Plus, he knows what he's talking about.

2) I Like Horror Movies: Carl is an insane blogger. How does he do it? So many posts! He's also a nice guy and comments frequently.

3) The Horror Club: Awesome reviews of a variety of horror films that are sure to make you laugh. If you're male, chances are you'll like this blog. Every post seems to have at least one picture of a hot chick in a skimpy outfit.

4) Tower Farm Reviews: Brothers Billy and Jeremy will find the craziest films to review that everyone has never heard of or simply forgotten about. These guys love exploitation and sleazy movies more than anyone I know.

5) Why Do I Like Stupid Horror Movies?: Zac Nova is a cool kid with a lot of great posts on his site. He is also an avid commenter on just about all of my favorite blogs.

6) The Action Effect: My husband's site for action films. He's new to the blog scene and doesn't have tons of posts yet, but so far, it's shaping up to kick ass. He even includes what type of food to eat with the action film he reviews.

7) No Comment: Aaron has well-informed, thoughtful reviews of every type of horror movie. He even has themed months.

8) Olympic Artichoke: Lots of well-put-together articles and I love the "Now That's Art!" section, which often features cool movie posters (back before they soley comprised of enlarged faces of movie stars).

9) Anathema Arcana: If you want to check out some dark artwork, take a look at the talented King Unicorn's blog. This stuff is sure to be conversation-worthy.

10) The Good Indoorsman: I just stumbled across this blog a couple days ago and I really like what I've seen so far. JLG seems to have a lot of personality and I look forward to reading the blog more in the future.

Honest Things About Me:

1) I have never broken a bone

2) I'm not only a nerd about horror movies, but I'm really into copyright law (and ultimately it's destruction muhaha)

3) I graduated Summa Cum Laude (complete nerd, I told you)

4) My mom HATES horror movies, but still loves me

5) I like to speak Spanish when I drink

6) I started making home movies at the age of 13 on a VHS-C camcorder

7) I don't have a MySpace account

8) My husband can beat me in almost every video game, except Mortal Kombat

9) I met my husband while playing Counter-Strike (the nerd theme continues)

10) I have never smoked

Well if you received the tag, then go ahead and pass it on to ten other bloggers and include a post with ten honest things about yourself.

Honeymoon!

A couple days after the wedding, my husband (I can finally say that now) and I went to San Jose Del Cabo, Mexico for our honeymoon.


Unfortunately, we did not run into any zombies or get chased down by a mysterious killer on an adventure hike, but we did have ten amazing days in the Baja. San Jose Del Cabo is about 20 miles northeast of Cabo San Lucas. It's less whitewashed and less focused on catering to party people from north of the border. However, it's an area that is changing quickly and almost the entirety of the southern Baja region is becoming more "touristy." Still, San Jose and Todos Santos were some fun places we visited that retain much of the charm and historical qualities of a traditional Mexican town.

Happy Hour means 2 drinks for the price of 1!

At the beach in front of our hotel.

Sunset.

A geuine Waborita. Mmmm

You have to go to Sammy Hagar's bar, Cabo Wabo when you are in the area

Inside Cabo Wabo. I just find this picture amusing cause I'm not looking at the camera, yet my smile is totally fake and posed.