12.10.2009

Michael Myers’ Letter to Santa Clause



Dear Santa,

Last year, I did not receive any presents. That lump of coal is still sitting beneath the floor boards of my parent’s old house. It’s a sad reminder of what my life has become. Look, I know I wasn’t a perfect angel this year either. In fact, my outing in Halloween 2 was much worse than in Rob Zombie’s first effort. You have to believe me though Santa, I really did try to bring fans what they wanted this year. I bulked up, grew out my beard, acquired a homeless man’s wardrobe, and successfully learned to grunt. I did my best, but I'm not sure everyone else involved did. So can you really blame me? How about giving me the presents intended for Rob and Scout.

Due to the nature of my job, I hardly ever get Christmas presents. Sure, there have been a few sabbaticals here and there, which allowed me to stock up on holiday joy. I really need a break this time Mr. Clause, because next year is going to be rough. 3D most certainly means no presents for Mikey. My iconography is entering a new stage—one that is depressing and degrading. I can think of only one thing that will make this transformation sting a little less…okay maybe two things: If John Carpenter were to direct me once again and if I were to get a few presents under the tree.

If you get this letter, I hope you are enjoying the weather in the North Pole. It’s a bit nippy here in Illinois, so I’d like a new coat, preferably one that doesn’t reek of cheap vodka and aging vomit. I’d also appreciate some scissors, or if you are really touched by this letter, an electric razor. Maybe the ones that give you a real close shave. That would be really nice of you. Well, I have to get going. The cops are kicking us out of the abandoned barn again.

From One Holiday Icon to Another,
Michael Myers

9 comments:

  1. I like it, he definitely deserves a happy ending to a crappy year.

    "From One Holiday Icon to Another" :)

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  2. "From One Holiday Icon to Another"

    Pure Gold.

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  3. I know i'm in the minority, but I enjoyed Zombie's take on Halloween (maybe I'm a sucker for girls in Black Flag tee shirts). Now, they come NOWHERE near the brilliance of Carpenter's original, but they're much better than anything having to do with the Druids "huh?" storylines of 5 &6 and world's better than the last film pre reboot with Busta Ryhymes and Tyra Banks.

    I wish he dropped Laurie as his sister. That's the one srea that he could have improved on. When that angle was introduced in part2 of the original series, it did a lot to demystify the 1st film.

    As far as Carpenter directing another one-when's the last time he made a good film?

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  4. Mike, Yeah..I know I'm taking cheap shots at the remakes. I kinda liked the first one, but really didn't like the second one at all. I still like H4-6 better than Zombie's stuff though, druids and all. Haha. But I will agree that turning Michael into Laurie's brother did demystify him in H2, but not more than Zombie did by turning him into a multidimensional human being motivated to kill based on an angry childhood.

    Yeah, I thought about Carpenter's recent films when I added the bit about Carpenter directing. But, I actually liked Cigarette Burns in MoH. In general, he has gone downhill though, I will agree. I think, if he were to return to something like Halloween, he would bring it. :) But maybe that's wishful thinking?

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  5. lol pure magic Becky, maybe if Santa had visited the Myers household years back we could have avoided this whole mess to begin with. Santa is the reason for Michael killing everyone, Santa..

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  6. That's too funny. Way to step on H2 as the year closes out.

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  7. HAHAHA..good stuff. Maybe we can have Myers vs Zombie Santa!

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  8. i hope MM gets a decent script for part 3 under his tree. that would be a gift that keeps on giving.

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