1.31.2010

Legion (2010): God didn’t save me from this movie


I can’t blame the big guy upstairs really. Not even He could have known that a movie about a legion of angels taking out the human race would actually feature no such legion.

I’ll admit that the premise was clever. God is fed up with the human race. He sent a flood last time, but now he sends angels to exterminate the men and women of Earth (in theory anyway). Throw Dennis Quaid, Charles Dutton, and Tyrese Gibson into the mix and you’re talking about a Biblical apocalypse flick that I can look forward to. Well…the only thing I ended up looking forward to is the rolling credits and the neon exit sign. On the bright side, I did experience uproarious laughter on multiple occasions.
"Hey bitch, I know you're preggers 'n all, but you're ass is doomed."

Problem #1: Blah Blah Blah
There are countless superficially deep, heart-to-heart conversations in this movie. There’s a large cast and they all end up exchanging words about their lives, future, mistakes they’ve made, etc.  Instead of action, we get these weird things called “back-story” and “drama.” Plus, there’s this whole thread about God testing their strength, which causes them to kinda sorta go crazy. However, this is stretched so thin that it only serves to break up the monotony of the verbose characters. It’s like the writers had an idea, implemented it once or twice, then forgot all about it because it was too much work.
If only Michael brought "Off" instead of weapons

Problem #2: Where are the battle angels?
Yeah, so, if you’re like me, then you were interested in this movie because you heard that a group of humans were going to battle angels with automatic weapons. Am I right? If not, and you were interested in this movie because you heard that people have boring conversations inside a diner while possessed human beings stand around more lifeless than Romero zombies, then you’re in luck. So apparently God has turned the majority of the population into meandering bodies, which are the primary threat for at least half of the film. And this is a problem because they are simply mowed down by gunfire with hardly an excitement or sense of danger. The legion of angels that we were promised apparently disappeared somewhere in the budget of  $26 million.

Tyrese in the recurring role of "Gangsta' with a Heart"

Problem #3: It just sucks
Plain and simple, this movie doesn’t deliver. A feeling of apathy towards most of the characters is pretty strong. Any characters that you feel partial towards end up dead anyway. The world of the movie is also confusing. What is the threat? Angels? Insect clouds? Gabriel? Possessed humans? Why didn’t God just wipe everyone out by flipping some divine kill switch? Is faith even important? Is Michael really more compassionate than God? Why the hell am I continuing to think about this movie?

Legion
did have me laughing, but the taste of disappointment and suckage may be too strong for the “so bad it’s good” category.  There are probably four things I actually liked about this movie: The main character’s name is Jeep; my boy Tyrese is in it; I realized that Charles Dutton looks/sounds exactly like Coach from L4D2; there are bullet-proof angel wings in one scene.  That’s it. Unless those observations add up to the perfect film for you, I suggest giving this one the ol’ pass.

8 comments:

  1. Lol yes the bullet proof angel wings are the only goddamn thing I got out of this stinker...

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  2. To me, this movie has always sounded suspiciously like a lesser version of THE PROPHECY... I think I will just stick with that for the time being. Thanks for the warning!

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  3. Im not religious (at all!) but what this film suggests with its storyline is so freaking stupid, even by biblical standards!

    Basically, the bible talks about this "end of the world" as if its something that God has to do to wipe evil out of humanity and start again cause he screwed things up the first time when he created Adam and Eve. So this end of the world is something that christians are looking forward to.

    But what the movie suggests is that even angels themselves are against Gods plans of cleaning the earth from all evil doers or non believers? Its like, God is wrong! We are right! Fuck if god can wipe us out with the blink of an eye! We have machine guns!

    Its so stupid.

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  4. for action and creepy... liked it, though if i wanted a lesson in the end of the world i would just have to look outside...

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  5. So, Prophecy - Actual Gravitas + Demon Knight - Any Sense of Fun = Legion? Ouch.

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  6. I would have given you full credit for disuading me from seeing this one, but I was already so checked out on this one years ago.. Maybe weeks..

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  7. You guys have reminded me that I need to watch The Prophecy again. I hardly even remember it. I must have like 10 when I watched it. Yikes.

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  8. The movie wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. I absolutely agree about the conversations. They killed the movie. One after the other. It almost put me to sleep.

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