Legion (2010): God didn’t save me from this movie

I can’t blame the big guy upstairs really. Not even He could have known that a movie about a legion of angels taking out the human race would actually feature no such legion.

I’ll admit that the premise was clever. God is fed up with the human race. He sent a flood last time, but now he sends angels to exterminate the men and women of Earth (in theory anyway). Throw Dennis Quaid, Charles Dutton, and Tyrese Gibson into the mix and you’re talking about a Biblical apocalypse flick that I can look forward to. Well…the only thing I ended up looking forward to is the rolling credits and the neon exit sign. On the bright side, I did experience uproarious laughter on multiple occasions.

"Hey bitch, I know you're preggers 'n all, but you're ass is doomed."

Problem #1: Blah Blah Blah
There are countless superficially deep, heart-to-heart conversations in this movie. There’s a large cast and they all end up exchanging words about their lives, future, mistakes they’ve made, etc.  Instead of action, we get these weird things called “back-story” and “drama.” Plus, there’s this whole thread about God testing their strength, which causes them to kinda sorta go crazy. However, this is stretched so thin that it only serves to break up the monotony of the verbose characters. It’s like the writers had an idea, implemented it once or twice, then forgot all about it because it was too much work.

If only Michael brought "Off" instead of weapons

Problem #2: Where are the battle angels?
Yeah, so, if you’re like me, then you were interested in this movie because you heard that a group of humans were going to battle angels with automatic weapons. Am I right? If not, and you were interested in this movie because you heard that people have boring conversations inside a diner while possessed human beings stand around more lifeless than Romero zombies, then you’re in luck. So apparently God has turned the majority of the population into meandering bodies, which are the primary threat for at least half of the film. And this is a problem because they are simply mowed down by gunfire with hardly an excitement or sense of danger. The legion of angels that we were promised apparently disappeared somewhere in the budget of  $26 million.

Tyrese in the recurring role of "Gangsta' with a Heart"

Problem #3: It just sucks
Plain and simple, this movie doesn’t deliver. A feeling of apathy towards most of the characters is pretty strong. Any characters that you feel partial towards end up dead anyway. The world of the movie is also confusing. What is the threat? Angels? Insect clouds? Gabriel? Possessed humans? Why didn’t God just wipe everyone out by flipping some divine kill switch? Is faith even important? Is Michael really more compassionate than God? Why the hell am I continuing to think about this movie?

Legion did have me laughing, but the taste of disappointment and suckage may be too strong for the “so bad it’s good” category.  There are probably four things I actually liked about this movie: The main character’s name is Jeep; my boy Tyrese is in it; I realized that Charles Dutton looks/sounds exactly like Coach from L4D2; there are bullet-proof angel wings in one scene.  That’s it. Unless those observations add up to the perfect film for you, I suggest giving this one the ol’ pass.

LOL Catz - The Horror Effect Edition Part 1

Night of 1,000 Cats

Let the Right One In

Alien

The Horror of Car Troubles

So you may have been wondering where I have been lately. Or maybe you didn't notice. Either way, I've been pretty darn busy lately since my car is officially D-E-A-D. We've been looking into getting a replacement and unfortunately, it's taken up quite a bit of my time. However, I promise to keep truckin' along!

What's to come on The Horror Effect? Well, hopefully a review of Legion will hit the blog soon. I just hope I can write a review that will make you laugh as much as the movie did. Also, I'm thinking about doing another CAPS review soon. I'm considering Wrong Turn 3, what do you think?

In the meantime, here's an awesome, long-lost commercial that the very talented Wings from Caffeinated Joe helped me find when I was doing Fridays in October. P.S. It has to do with car troubles. And speaking of this commercial, I'll probably review Cujo soon as well.

Will 2010 be the year for horror?

I'm excited for the year to come, as we have a lot of horror movies hitting theaters, especially in February and October. We have the return of John Carpenter, some major remakes, anticipated sequels, and even Martin Scorsese is directing a horror film. I did an article for examiner.com on upcoming horror films of 2010, check it out here.

I'm most excited for Hatchet 2, Frozen, The Ward, Cotton, and The Descent: Part 2. Although some of these films may be pushed back, I'm really curious to see if all of them actually get a decent theatrical run. If so, we're looking at weekends of back-to-back horror films in the months of February and October, which would be awesome.

What is really interesting about the year of upcoming horror films is the diversity. We have major studio fare, independent movies, sequels to fan favorites, and mixed genre horror movies. However, I am concerned that a lot of these films were announced recently and being shot quickly to hit their theatrical deadlines. Will the 2010's turn into the 80's? Will we get a steady stream of horror, some good and some bad, only to have it fall into over-saturated, mass-marketed, get-me-out-of-here land? Only time will tell...

Post-Apocalyptic Double Feature: The Road and The Book of Eli

Besides sharing a similar color palette and a grim view of the future, what do these films have in common? Stunted potential.

The Road (2009)

John Hilcoat’s adaption of the Cormac McCarthy novel is bleak, visceral, and incredibly depressing. It’s a tale of a Man and a Boy (so they are credited) on a road to the coast, where they hope to find greener pastures in a world destroyed by an unexplained, catastrophic event. The plants are dying, and with it, all of the animals. When not concerned with finding heat, shelter, and food, cannibalism is the primary threat while on the road…Wait. I take that back, the primary threat is actually suicide.

Daddy, do I have to practice putting the gun in my mouth again?

What could have been an intense film becomes a somber tale that questions the value of human life. While I have not read McCarthy’s book, I suspect these thematic elements may have worked better in the written medium. As a movie, I saw plenty of opportunities for more interesting (or more entertaining) stories to emerge. For example, the Man and the Boy discover a ghastly den where cannibals trap human beings for meat harvesting. Boasting some truly disturbing visuals and a cryptic display of humanity at its lowest, I couldn’t help but imagine if another storyline had surfaced. What if the Boy was captured by these cannibals? What if the Man had to rescue his son? I wish I had seen that movie. Instead, there is a lot of meandering, with sparse moments of action. And when this action occurs, the Man forces his son to hold his pistol, encouraging him to shoot himself if things get too rough. Although this is probably not too far from the truth of an apocalyptic world, I would have preferred not to watch a movie where half of the struggle is whether or not to commit suicide.

IT'S A TRAP!

The barren world is shot well, with enough austerity to maintain a foreboding tonality throughout. The cinematographer thankfully resisted from the overexposed, flashy style of The Book of Eli. Subtle camera movements and controlled framing make The Road a well-executed film, but also add to the overall atmosphere of dread.  Vigo Mortensen is fantastic as always, as is Kodi Smit-McPhee, whose performance suggests a kid who has been forced to mature too quickly, as well as a child who is innocent enough to see the difference between the good and bad guys.

Ack, cannibals!

In the end, I can appreciate some of the thematic complexity raised in The Road regarding the purpose of human existence. However, its messages could have been communicated more effectively if I found myself caring more about the characters. After a while, the film becomes so depressing that apathy presents itself as the only solution.

The Book of Eli (2010)

The Hughes Brothers present a Hollywood-glamorized version of the apocalyptic road and its wanderers. Also on a path to the coast (or simply “West”), Eli travels through a bleached-out landscape, carrying a small backpack with important content. Unlike Vigo in The Road, Denzel Washington will stab, shoot, and karate chop his badass self through the desert.  And did I mention that everyone has to wear aviators in this version of the apocalypse? Yes, it’s a bit silly, but yes, at least it provides some entertainment.

Which path do I take? "Movie Greatness" or "Meh."
Apparently, God said, "Meh."

I’m not going to give away any plot points, but I will say this: you can see all major developments coming from a mile away. Still, predictability rarely ruins a movie for me, but you know what can ruin a movie for me? Runtime.  The Book of Eli should be 90 minutes, but it’s fluffed with drawn-out sequences of Denzel looking cool in slow-motion; so it’s about 2 hours.

Denzel puts the "hood" in Robin Hood.

The greatest problem with this movie is that its carrying a message far too serious for the type of film that it is. The plot, which turns out be quite interesting, would have been better in the hands of the filmmakers of The Road. Perhaps that blend, and some minor story changes here and there, could have produced the post-apocalyptic excitement I was look for: some intense action mixed into an impactful story where the apocalypse presents hope, but it’s not a walk down “I’m a badass” lane.

Let us pray for the box office.

I will summarize The Book of Eli with the words of advice from  a friend, “Pass…and You Tube the fight scenes.”

The Hills Run Red (2009): Red-Blooded Bulgarian..err American Slasher

This marks another underwhelming conclusion to anticipated films of 2009. How dare Netflix (or all of you out there who also had this bad boy on your queue) make me wait months, yes months, to see this?

Just because it’s not a studio horror film, that doesn’t mean The Hills Run Red gets a free pass. Does it have camp? Yes, but does it have heart? No. Does it have story? Yes, but does it have characters? No. Does it have violence? Yes, but does it have action? No. The premise is this: a group of young adults (2 of 3 are reluctant and uninterested however) decide to make a documentary about an infamous filmmaker and his missing horror film. That film, titled “The Hills Run Red,” is a gory slasherpiece, allegedly the scariest movie ever made. However, by the end, the movie within the movie looked far more entertaining than the actual product.

"Hu, hu...we be makin' a movie film!"

My greatest complaint with this movie is its lack of sincerity. It’s too busy imitating horror filmmaking to be its own standalone horror film. Shot in Bulgaria, which we are supposed to believe is in some rural part of the United States, nothing comes to life as real. The characters seem to be nothing more than excuses for sex scenes and instruments to further the plot. Even the locations feel oddly fabricated, as the production design is trying to be discreet with details so as to make it so generic, it effectually takes place nowhere. What the audience receives is cardboard cutouts of reality. One could argue this is intentional, since the whole theme of the movie is centered on the reflexivity of cinema and the blurry line between art and reality. Still, I’m not buying into it, as this theme is pasted on to the ending without a real filmic discussion taking place. It’s pointing fingers—fingers which are spinning around 360 degrees.

Forgetting to turn stealth mode on.

Aside from the thematic issues, The Hills Run Red is simply not exciting. The action is sparse, poorly executed, and far from terrifying. In fact, it feels like the characters are running in slow motion—as their little legs can only carry them as fast as the dolly can move. A little gem of incomprehensibility was found when one of the female characters gets her hair caught in the brush as she’s running from the killer. She has to stop and have her male companion pull her hair out….Come on! If you’re running for your life, strands of hair are not going to hold you back. Trust me, I’m a woman, I know these things. As stated before, the clips shown from the missing film seem way more entertaining, because the film is apparently a continuous murder rampage.

A face only a horror fan would love.

On the bright side, some positive things could be said about the killer: Babyface. The bulky man-child wearing a baby doll face is genuinely creepy looking; even if he is not filmed in ways that capitalize on his appearance. I especially appreciated the gruesome opening of the film, showing a young boy cutting off his own skin, which is later revealed to be Babyface. After the first sequence, I was prepared for a gory ride straight into the fires of Hell…only to be derailed into Flashy-edit-and-cut-away Land. Still, there were some good tongue-in-check moments with Babyface. In particular, my favorite is the single line that he delivers. After watching the lumbering giant walk around silently, we assume, in the grand tradition of slashers, that he does not speak. So when one of our female victims tries to sing him a lullaby, assuming it will calm down the baby in a man’s body, it is surprising when he leans in and calmly says, “You can keep singing if it makes you feel better.” Whoa! That was probably the highlight of the whole film…

"You'll watch the movie and you'll LIKE IT, dammit!"

When you get to the end, you are rewarded with twenty minutes of indulgence in a twist ending that’s not much of a twist. When the credits rolled, I was trying to figure out why this movie has garnered such a positive response from the horror community. Sure, it’s a slasher, but it’s far from the good kind of old-fashioned and far less enjoyable than, say, ANY Friday the 13^th film (and I mean ANY). It’s not all bad when it comes to The Hills Run Red, but it’s quite forgettable with outstanding comparables like Hatchet, Wrong Turn 2, or Behind the Mask. If you haven’t seen The Hills Run Red, don’t feel compelled to see it like I did. I’m sure it will disappear from our memories faster than Urban Legend or I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

Mommy, this movie makes my tummy hurt!

You’ve seen people’s lists of the most disturbing films ever made. Dun dun dun.  I guess this is kinda’ sorta’ my version. I’m not into definitive lists or ranking things, so it’s just gonna’ go down the way I want it to…

Movies I’ll Never See

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Sorry, but no. I’m not on a moral high horse. I don’t think you’re a bad person for watching it. I just don’t care to see it, knowing that real animals were murdered for the sake of celluloid “entertainment.” In fact, I don’t really care to see those hidden camera documentaries about the meat industry either, even though their intentions are most likely in a better place than the makers of Cannibal Holocaust. I’ve read enough about this film to know that it will do nothing more than leave me with a sick feeling. No, I’m not curious enough to sneak a little peek or two on You Tube. And no, I don’t think it makes me less of a horror fan by not watching this movie.

Saló (1975)

From what I’ve read, it sounds like pure exploitation of the true horrors of war and slavery. Just like I don’t care to see actual animals mutilated onscreen, I’m not inclined to endure the sights of children being tortured for two hours (or longer, depending on the version you see). I have a hard time sitting through Lord of the Rings, so there’s no way I’m going to sit still for 120+ minutes of 120 days of Sodom.  I will acknowledge that this film may be trying to reflect on the terrors of Mussolini’s regime and that there is something to be said about the depiction of violence as it is, as opposed to a glossed over, stylized depiction for entertainment. However, an intellectual excuse for sitting through Saló will never overcome my gut.

August Underground (2001)

I don’t want to feel like I’m watching a snuff film. I loves movies because they are movies—not simulations of reality. I want to experience cinema, not shock for the sake of shock. I suppose August Underground is for all those kids who couldn’t get enough of Faces of Death (fake they may be) or a particular website with a URL I refuse to post.

Movies I Wish I Hadn’t Seen

Deadgirl (2008)

This necro-rape movie is sick with very little to redeem itself. It certainly left me with a bad feeling in my tummy, as the moral depravity continued to deepen. I watched the film in two sittings and I’m surprised I came back to it a few days later. I wanted to see how it ended and figured that it would get better, but it only got worse. For a full review of Deadgirl, go here. 

Martyrs (2008)

I enjoyed the first half of this film, but I could have lived a thousand lives without ever needing to see the final act of Martyrs. The final images were boiled into my eyes for weeks. A torturous conclusion is set against the background of a cold, nihilistic world that makes you want to return to your mother’s womb. Every now and then, I still think about this movie, and I get a little chill. Brrrr! For a full review, go here.

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

This movie had been on my to-do list for years before I actually saw it. However, I wish I had kept postponing it until it disappeared from my mind completely. If it didn’t star Michael Rooker and Tom Towles (or if I had seen this before they were recognizable faces), it would have felt like a snuff film. Disturbing to its core with no payoffs and no revelations, I think I should have passed on this “classic.”

Movies I’ll Never See Again

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

An important film, but my goodness, it can be tough to watch. When your protagonist is professing ultraviolence as his motto, how can the film be anything but taxing on your stomach? The sometimes apathetic and sometimes gleeful manner in which the droogs rape and kill is something I will never forget…and something I never want to experience again.

The Road (2009)

Wow, could you make a film any more depressing? There are plenty of disturbing moments in this film, from the chained up victims of cannibals to the constant threat of suicide induced by a father to his son, but the overall tone is what left me feeling dead inside. I will certainly never again go down The Road.

Inside (2007)

Wowzers! Never have I had such a love-hate relationship with a movie as this. I have re-watched select scenes from this film a couple times, but I’m never going to sit through the entirety of this gut-wrenching movie again. If it wasn’t for the final five minutes or so, I may be watching it again and again in the years to come. However, as someone who wants to have children someday, I don’t think revisiting Inside will be likely.